Quest for Inner Fire

Movin

2009-08-22T08:09:20Z

So we are finally back among our things. Even Monkey the cat is happier living in our new space. Right now the rain is pit-patting in the yard and the thunder is booming. We had a lovely night with guests even though we have barely unpacked. As one friend put it, we are hard core. Back in brooklyn with full body and spirit. We ran into even more great friends at ikea this afternoon. What a treat!

Of course now I feel like I have to step upy fashion game. We are living around the corner from Moshood and everyone around is beautiful. It feels great to be in the bosom of Brooklyn again. I hope she lets us stick around this time for a few years.

home stretch

2009-08-17T11:23:54Z

So I have made it to the third trimester. And right on time, I am tired, crankier and wanting this to be done. The little girl is not baked yet so I best hold on to her til she's cooked.

I'm very excited to move into our own place. It will be nice to not impose on our parents anymore. I would also like to have a small soirée. One step at a time though right? I'm just happy about being close to our community again. It's hard to be so far away.

Define "career"...

2009-08-04T07:45:49Z

A recent conversation has literally kept me awake at night. Well, really a recent series of conversations has kept me from actually sleeping at all.

Motherhood has slowed the progress of my making money by limiting the hours to my day. Nothing I am good at really pays in a way that makes it easy to have daycare or a nanny. So I squeeze it in where I can. I play the monthly gig, write the annnual (roughly) piece or two for MUV, I am certified as a yoga instructor, but the only way to build these kinds of things is from the ground up, so once again, not enough cash there to pay a babysitter. As the brain cells pop, it's harder and harder to pull the ambitions together to form a remunerative model.

So I was recently discussing the possibilities of my ife when I was told that I have a reason for being, but not a career, which has kind of shocked me. I mean, does it have to be profitable to be a career? I have work that is widely praised, even widely known. Does this body of work constitute "not a career"?

I went to Wikipedia. A "career", it states, is "an individual's "course or progress through life (or a distinct portion of life)". It is usually considered to pertain to remunerative work (and sometimes also formal education)." On Dictionary.com, it is "an occupation undertaken for a significant period of a person's life and with opportunities for progress."

Progress. That's the key isn't it? What defines progress? "[F]orward or onward movement toward a destination", says dictionary.com. "To what end?" I say.

This has plagued me for a number of years, see, because I have done the artist thing of taking a lot of crappy jobs to support the larger picture and now that I don't have a crappy job, now that I'm mothering for more hours of the day than I'm doing anything else, now suddenly, does the "career" I've been building on, that I continue to build on, does that disappear? Does it mean that I have less responsibility that I can't focus on profit first? Does the fact that I make and sell music, albeit for less profit, in addition to parenting mean the career has stopped and the "reason for being" has begun? Are they not the same thing? And if the career has stopped, despite the face that it is obviously still happening, are we not buying into the dismissal of the importance of art in this country? Is it not part of a larger problem?

I have been playing music for other people in hopes of profit for about 18 years, hopeful to progress toward a sound that moves people. This smacks of both online definitions of career to me. How do I get other people to see it that way? How do I get respect for it? How do I respect myself for it?

Birth Plans (Planz? Should it be hip?)

2009-07-28T13:31:02Z

In my latest bout of pregnancy insomnia, I trolled the message boards on UrbanBaby.com to see about people's experiences at the NYU hospital, where I am to give birth in November and with my OB/Gyn, Downtown Women's OB/Gyn.

What I read was mostly positive. The one thing I kept seeing was stay home until the surges (using the hypnobirthing term) are 3 minutes apart to avoid a lot of medical intervention. This is the one thing I think I would have changed about Simon's birth, which became an emergency C-Section after his heart rate dropped dangerously low. I'm still on the fence as to whether his heart rate dropped because I wasn't moving enough or if it would have happened no matter what I did. I never dilated completely either. There were other people there who will remember better than I will. I suspended time and memory during the birth.

I went to the hospital when my contractions were 5 minutes apart. What's funny is that I was able to bear the contractions for most of the time without pain killers. They were very uncomfortable and I definitely could not sleep through them, though I tried. They eventually slipped me some morphine after I continued to refuse an epidural even after pitocin. They put me under for the c-section. I think I could have moved around more, but I thought it would be better to completely relax. This time I think I will use relaxing movements like cat-cows and child's pose and leg stretching type poses. I've been having Braxton-Hicks "practice" contractions since the very beginning and am teaching my body to relax through those as they get a little longer and stronger.

The important thing to remember for me is that hospitals are made for intervention. So I have to be steadfast in my desires and extremely self-sufficient. And keep moving and breathing slowly. Tension-free, drug-free birth.

Cloth diapers?

2009-07-13T15:34:29Z

Since I have to wait until September to start decorating, I am nesting in other ways. Today's topic: diapers.

With Simon, we went for the Costco disposables. Very easy for apartment living. Bad for landfills and disastrous on the manufacturing end.

This time we'll have a washer and dryer, so I'm considering the cloth. There are all kinds of diapers and services and ways to keep the whole world from smelling of poo and it's as hard to sort out as the strollers.

Anyone done any of the fancy cloth ones? Anyone done the old school style? Anyone start with cloth and change or vice versa? Wet storage of dirties, versus dry?

having a hospital birth...and not so psyched about it. (a little graphic)

2009-07-10T12:49:27Z

So we're signing up for a birth at NYU's hospital. Many people I know are goingt the home birth route lately. I want to have the home birthy experience but not actually in my home and covered by insurance.

I'm having a little trepidation about the hospital, really. I don't want to be held still with a fetal monitor strapped to me, but if I don't dilate enough, I want the option to have the cesarean.

I'm doing more of the excercises this time for sure, especially now that I know which muscles do what. I would rather not be cut again. It is strange to not feel the lower part of your abdomen. One of my friends is super into hypno birthing. I like that idea too.

What I want to do really is do it all in a hospital without people checking on me until it's absolutely necessary.

Maybe I should prep for both and move from one to the other once the dilation is complete.

I really wasn't worried about this last week.

Solving the Kindergarten Issue

2009-06-24T14:14:59Z

In short, the principal at Children's Workshop School is a genius. She can work the shitstem like no other. She has made lemons from lemonade and been able to grant access to all of the pre-k students who want to continue (only 2 opted out). We are pleased and ready to be all over the PTA next year, organizing and all, at least until I am exhauseted with the new little one.

Aram has a crazy new job which will allow him to simultaneously be an academic guru and a business executive. He is going somewhere he is appreciated. I hope they don't make him work too many hours. I appreciate him too, after all.

The little girl is letting her presence be known. She seems to like Indian and Japanese food, at least when I eat it. We're working on our yoga. I have been fortunate enough so far to not need an amnio. I am told that my tests show that I carry like a 30-year old. Sweet.

Simon is finishing his last week of pre-k and is excited for day camp, where I hope he'll learn how to swim, among other things.

These last 6 months have been pretty wild. I look forward to an exciting (but not too exciting) sequel.

I'll keep you posted.

let the nesting begin...

2009-06-23T17:14:02Z

Okay we've got some issues out of the way. Simon's school - solved. Aram's job - solved. Pregnancy - halfway done. Gender - girl. Apartment - on it's way. My thought turn to strollers.

While I have said that I would never pay $700 for a stroller, I have also paid money for 3 strollers, in addition to having been giving a stroller "travel system". And that was just for Simon. What, then do we do now? I would rather not buy a whole lot of strollers again.

So what do I need? I need something that works from birth to age 4, that can survive the city streets, that I can attach a standing ride-on thing to, and that I can carry onto and off of a bus, plane or train without killing anything.

The obvious contenders are the quinny, the bugaboo, the maclaren, phil and ted. These are brands I didn't know existed before 5 years ago. The big deal with these guys mostly is that they are fancy and tough and kind of bulky. The bugaboo bee is a lot more streamlined, actually, but it still seems wide.

I like the Valco latitude. It's a three wheeler, goes over bumps pretty well and has a car seat adapter for infants. Cute.

Valco also makes a stroller called the Buggster which is even lighter. Same accessories. All the Valco stuff is compatible with a riding board attachment which isn't too pricey. I do wish the wheels were bigger.

People seem to love the Baby Jogger strollers. I'm skeptical. They seem bulky.

The bottom line has become that I may have to get super fancy on the stroller front especially since I'll be spending way less time in the car than I did with my little dude. I don't want homegirl waking up because we hit a crack in the sidewalk. Oy.

Blogging the New Baby

2009-05-02T07:16:21Z

I realize that I blogged even the tiniest moments of my first pregnancy and haven't done jack with the second one. I guess it is less eventful the second time around. So far, I've had more nausea and actual purgative results. I had 3 migraines in the first trimester, one during a class trip with Si's class to the Museum of Natural History. When I got home, I painted the rug a fabulous new color which my lovely A cleaned up with true love. True love.

I popped before 3 months this time and have been able to deal with low riding jeans. I've started to lose weight again. Pregnancy diet, y'all. My body seems to like the extra hormonal rush, which makes me think that birth control pills must have ruined my life.

We are now at about 13 weeks. Our nuchal tissue scan brought our risk of down syndrome to like super minimal. (nice!) I just have to remember to eat.

My cravings this time are latkes and pierogi, though at the beginning all I wanted was jamaican chicken and veggie patties with hot sauce. I haven't even been able to smell meat of any kind without feeling ill. Which also explains my craving for bulgar and lentil.

I believe we are going to find out the gender. So far the ultrasound looks just like Si. He's excited to be a big brother and I'm excited to watch him with his new sib.

I'll try to keep everyone updated with the gritty details. Talk soon.

Forgot to take pics of 3 but 4 is more love

2009-04-11T19:55:36Z

The third place was less pretty, but very functional. It was in a large building on the corner of 5th ave and 10th street. Low ceilings big rooms. Very big.

After that was more park slope love...

More park slope love

2009-04-11T19:10:32Z

Another brownstone another set of smiles. 2 br, nice neighbors, down the block from the library and ps 39

Red hook, boerum hill, not so much. Park slope, aaahhh!!!

2009-04-11T18:59:41Z

After checking out the externals of our 2 choices, we decided against these hoods.

Our first look at a garden brownstone apartment left us happy.

2 br, nice neighbors, brownstone, great kitchen, we love it.

Blogging the apartment hunt

2009-04-11T14:34:08Z

This week has started the hunt in earnest. The market rates have dropped which means we can actually look, which is more than I could say about last year.

Today's search brings us to the Brooklyn neighborhoods if boerum hill, fort greene, park slope and red hook.

What the World Needs now

2009-03-16T09:36:15Z

Dubistry's "Give it to me One More Time"

2009-03-05T22:24:01Z

Just when I think it was all a dream, here come Richard Hodkinson to the rescue! Here's a little of what we were doing in Los Angeles.

NY Times uses miniaturizing photography technique to great effect

2009-01-29T14:54:07Z

The picture really says it all. Big-up the NY Times for using this miniaturizing technique to tell the story. I think this is the first time I've seen it used in a major publication. You can do it too.

Blogging the Cleanse Mark 2 Day 2

2009-01-27T18:23:44Z

So I'm experiencing "flu symptoms" and I'm not sure if I actually have the flu or if I am detoxing hard core. The temptation to drink a bowl of miso soup is super strong but I think I'm going to hold out. I've gotten rid of colds faster through fasting. And I clearly have some immune system things. So maybe I'll just do some yoga and pull myself together. But dang I feel achy...

Blogging the Lemon Cleanse redux

2009-01-26T15:42:37Z

So I'm at it again, trying to tone the innards. Any support is more than welcome. All I can think about is the turkey sausage patties I just bought for the little guy.

Blogging the Lemon Cleanse - Cleanse on HOLD!

2009-01-07T22:45:19Z

As is typical when I come up with one of these ideas, my body began its own monthly cleanse, so I will be putting the lemon cleanse off for a few days.

Blogging the Lemon Cleanse (Day 2...okay Day 1 redux)

2009-01-07T15:49:24Z

Okay, so I caved at dinnertime. But, knowing I was going to cave, I broke my fast with an apple and a pomegranate. And I ate organic chicken, rice and a really big salad. So the detox is officially still on. I have promised myself today to go the full 24 hours at least.

Today I feel more energetic than I did yesterday. I slept better last night than I have in a month, but that is also partially due to the fact that the little boy stayed in his bed all night for the first time in a long time. I've got a little of that detox headache feeling going on, but I know it will pass.

Yay detox!

Lemon Cleanse

2009-01-06T18:53:22Z

Okay, it's time to test the willpower and stamina.

Today is the first day of my lemon cleansey fast thingy. Not adhering to anything too specific as far as combination of ingredients. I am doing the lemon with warm water and either honey, molasses or maple syrup and some cayenne pepper or tabasco to taste (spicy!). I'm doing it partly to drop some pounds, partly to see if I can do it and partly to clear up a couple of annoying tiny health things. Don't know how long I'm doing it yet, but I'm aiming for 3 days to start. I'd like to keep it up for at least a week, but we'll see what happens. Food is good, after all. And good food is very good. But I may be more motivated than usual right now, so we'll see. And I'll talk about it.

Right now I feel alright, though I smelled some very delicious falafel earlier. Oh the garlic...

Music Review: Arjuna's Dilemma

2008-11-06T20:59:14Z

Arjuna's Dilemma, performed at the BAM Harvey Theater is a post-modern journey through the text of the Bhagavad Gita. The multimedia opera written by Douglas Cuomo blended early christian choral music with classical Indian music and a little bit of improvisational jazz. While it was musically very emotive and poignant, the performance left me grasping for deeper meaning.

The upper and lower levels of the set were joined by a huge staircase, which united Arjuna's mind with the battlefield below on which he had to slay all his relations. Video projected behind the upper level served as a translator for lines sung in Urdu and for the emotional trials set before Arjuna. Between lines of text flowed images such as a rope pulled until breaking. It was a great uniting force for the piece.

The voices of the women's chorus were beautifully arranged and gave extra weight to the words of the Krishna. Images of battle were the most effective moments in the choreography, with the five women exchanging places as victims and aggressors.

Violinist Joyce Hammann beautifully accompanied Arjuna's visions of Krishna. Badal Roy threw in his special brand of funky tabla, perfected over the years accompanying music legends like Miles Davis. At one point saxophonist Bob Franceschini walked over to the chorus and drew the women together into a tight circle. The instrumental ensemble worked best when all the players could collectively catch a groove, which was notably infrequent.

Tony Boutté as Arjuna has a beautiful, clear voice that easily handles the melodies in the music. He was courageous as a warrior with Krishna, portrayed by John Kelly at his side. They stood high on the upper platform of the set above the crowded orchestra and chorus. Krishna was voiced by vocalist Humayun Khan, who combines classical Indian vocal techniques with Persian traditions. Krishna's movements were non-human, but without intention. They evoked the memory of some of the ancient hindu paintings and classic Krishna postures. I would have liked to see more grandeur in his movements, especially during the part of the verse where Krishna is elaborating on his true physical form. It seemed in this performance that Krishna just does a lot with his hands and has a mean navasana (boat pose).

Arjuna's voice was strong and sweet, but the power of what he was witnessing was a little lost, perhaps due to the choreography. The women's chorus at times suffered from an excess of movement as well, losing vocal quality and distracting from more powerful imagery on the stage.

Arjuna's Dilemma evoked the complexity of consciousness as portrayed by the Bhagavad Gita. Douglas Cuomo's album, which features Badal Roy and Tony Boutté is exceptional and should not be missed. I only missed the strength of the sight and truth that Krishna brings to Arjuna. He made a lovely charioteer but he could be a better god.

B-

I took a walk to Tomkins Square...

2008-08-05T02:11:26Z

My old friends in the band Leftover Crack played the 20th Anniversary of the Tomkins Square riot yesterday. I missed it due to family obligations, but I got to thinking how I really loved playing there and being a punk and shoving my boots in people's faces. One of the greatest Agent 99 shows was played at the Fierce Pussy Fest in August 1993. I found a review:

"...the sun came out, and Agent 99 entertained the soaked crowd with their hard-driving ska. Everyone was moshing; a muddied-face Tatiana danced through the crowd..."

The East Village used to be kind of a magical place where dreams still felt possible. I thought that optimism was just me, but I think it was everywhere. Where is it now?

The Yoga of Children's TV

2008-04-26T02:43:18Z

Okay, so anyone with little kids and cable knows about the insane nick jr. show Yo Gabba Gabba, perhaps the first kids' show for the DJ generation of parents. The first time I heard about it, a friend invited us to wake up early and head down to the OC from LA (don't call it the OC) to watch the first taping of the show. We didn't wake up in time.

Now, I absolutely cannot get enough of this show. So, last night, for the first time ever, the hubby and I watched the show without the youngin'. Okay, it's bordering on addiction, but now I think I know why.

The colors of the main characters in Yo Gabba Gabba correspond to chakra colors. Each character focuses on the chakra it represents. Muno (red) is the first chakra, the chakra of raw base instinct. DJ Lance is the orange chakra, the chakra of the unconscious. Plex is the solar plexus chakra, yellow, the chakra of action and willpower. Brobee is the green chakra, the heart chakra, the chakra of emotion. The heart chakra extends through the arms. Foofa, the pink and happy character, also represents the heart chakra. Toodee is the blue chakra, the voice chakra.

Even the name speaks yoga. I don't know if this was conscious on their part, but it's ringing true to me.

Inventing Myself or Why I Can Relate to Madonna

2008-04-09T18:27:47Z

I really admire the people who can decide who they are and unwaveringly go forth wearing the skin of that person. I really do. I feel like a chameleon, constantly changing the skin I'm in to match the colors around me.

I've been posting my resumes for jobs. I have like 6 different resumes, all full. There's the musician one, which is most consistent. The webmistress resume is also fairly consistent, but has no formal training. The office chick resume has great gaps, because I hate being an office chick and am therefore always trying to get out of it (I figured this out after 10 years or something). Then there's the yoga teacher resume which includes all my work with dancers and choreographers. My combo resume for the jobs that I think want an office chick who can do web work. And finally there's the enchilada resume which is like 5 pages long and has everything.

What do I have to show for it? Nothing. Still can't get hired. Too diverse? Too honest? Too quirky? Too much!

So who do I become now? How do I sell 50 million records? Become an independent artist and put out my own stuff. Coming Soon.

Namaste